Well here she is! 13 weeks, almost.

Ultra sound

Well yesterday I got another ultrasound. I am just about 13 weeks now. She is predicted to be a girl! I am not surprised. She was moving around, kicking and being so very cute. She actually looks like Mason from the profile.

I went to the doctor today and they squeezed me in. I am just so tired and weak. They took my blood in the office just to check my thyroid.

I will try to post some pictures of the ultra sound as soon as I figure out how to do it with our new scanner.

Tonight my story is not about one of the kids, it is about my husband. We are now in the fly season and the new compost pile doesn't help much. I cannot stand flys, not even a little bit. Gary was out and I begged him to pick up a fly swatter as ours is lost. So he came home and told me he decided to make a fly swatter because he didn't want to pay 3 dollars for something he could make. I roll my eyes, the kids think he is the bomb and Gary unloads a bunch of tools from his garage onto my family calendar and proceeds to spend the next 15 minutes constructing what he thinks he can actually patent as the worlds best fly swatter. Well he has killed several flys with it, but I still have my doubts and I am upset that he didn't bother to buy a back up in case his homemade version didn't work. Nettie could see I was upset at this mans antics and said that when she becomes a wife and a mom and her husbands makes her a fly swatter she would hug him and say thank you. I told her she is a better woman than I! Gary, triumphant in his fly swatter success and the obvious approval from the kids in the form of many cheers every time he hit a fly, said that I should be very happy he just saved 3 dollars to buy our first chicken for our farm. YEE HAW!!!

what can i say?

Really, what can I say? I feel like for weeks now I have been looking at the world through shaded goggles, the kind that are bug eyed and squeeze your brain with a giant elastic wrap around strap. Things just haven't been "normal" for me. I have lost interest in everything I once held dear to my heart. Some parts of those things were things I thought God was "calling" me to do, and they wrapped themselves tightly, like those goggles, around my soul. I can say now I am just not sure of anything anymore. Sooooo, I am just being quiet. Maybe it is hormones, maybe I'm still in shock or maybe God is just trying to settle me.

So, lets see what is going on now in me. Well I think I felt the baby kick for the first real time today, very cool, looking forward to more. The morning sickness and fatigue is wearing off and my hair looks great. Great, may not be the word, lets just say... My hair isn't falling out anymore! I actually smiled at the lady in line with me at Walgreens who wouldn't stop talking. I even smiled at a random kid at Peter Piper Pizza! wasn't even mine! normally I just don't have the energy. So maybe I am returning to my old self, who ever that is or was who knows?

We are super busy trying to buy this house, which for G and I represents a lifetime of dreams. He is already planning his beehive and researching solar panels, while I refuse to get too excited. To be honest though, mentally we have already moved in.

I see other people living their lives, moving on and doing great things, while I sit back and try not to get too fat. If my calling only takes me to a farm in the country raising 5 kids, then let me at least do it well Lord.

Moving right along....

Well life just happens. Ultrasound went well with the baby at 10 weeks, have one more at 12 weeks to do some testing, really the testing part doesn't worry me, I just want to see the baby again! I am hoping that at 13 weeks they can tell me what it is. Still feeling sick, trying to get over it. The exhaustion is brutal! I don't remember it being this hard. I got my blood work back but they said everything seemed fine. So I just need to trust in God and move forward. My sisters and mom are taking the kids on Wednesday so that will be a very nice break. We also got a new mattress, last night I slept much better! I am just going to jot down some funny things the kids said today so that one day we can look back and laugh.

Tonight Abby said that she wanted to make a list of things she shouldn't do when she gets older and put it in my treasure chest, so that when she is older she won't forget. Included on her list were things like "do not do drugs and do not smoke" I told her that God would guide her and be with her always and he would help her to remember not to do the wrong things. She told me that she has a bad memory and that God and a list would help her!

Mason is telling me all the time that he loves me and that he appreciates all that I do for him! He hugs me at dinner and is starting to realize how hard my job can be.

Judah and Nettie are doing well, they are very excited about homeschool and always beg me to spend time with them doing math and reading. I feel bad because I barely can take care of me right now so trying to meet everyone's needs is very hard. I can't imagine having more than five. I know we are done after this, unless God calls us to adopt when the kids are older, or at least some of them. At some point with this new baby I know she will be like an only child because of the age gap. That makes me sad. There is nothing I can do about that except adopt if that is in our future. I cannot be pregnant again, my body is worn out.

I still can't imagine this little one. I am looking forward to feeling her kick and move bout. Maybe then it will finally sink in.

Moving along

Well, I am coming to terms with my life now. Not completely but somewhat. I am now beginning my 8th week with this little one and I have had a few moments now of excitement. Still morning sick, and dizzy and very tired, which makes schooling and just about everything else difficult.

I am in the process of trying to figure out if I should homeschool the little ones or not. I don't feel like I can but then I can't see them in school either. I am just seeking God's wisdom in this matter. Everything in my life is on hold. I realize that I may not see Africa or any other place for a long time. Most of me is okay with that as I realize now my ministry is at home. Maybe it took 5 kids to do that to me.

It is sad as it seems I don't have time to help and comfort the people I once was. Everything is limited and my time especially seems to be focused on family. Somehow I have to fight feelings that I am letting God down. I know that isn't true but those are the lies I face. I guess I am drawn to the more showy and loud ministries, and staying home hidden and quiet is a challenge. But I think it is something I have been called too. It is not my will but Gods. If I live for him and do what he tells me then how can I go wrong? Well off to homeschool and get this day rolling.

Confusion

It looms darker than night right now, confusion. Am I am going to have this child or not? Some people who have never have had to deal with the pain of miscarriage can enter into pregnancy with high hopes and excitement. Me I am bracing for a car wreck. I am tired of bracing. How am I supposed to get through the next few weeks?

I had plans before this pregnancy. I was going to go to Ethiopa, now I may be looking at being a 40 year old mom to a three year old. The kind of love you feel with a child is so overwhelming, it washes over you and makes you a better person, but it can also bring with it the garbage of fear. Protection instincts can swallow you up and make you into a monster.

I don't know what the future holds for my family and there is no way of knowing anything today, so with tears in my eyes I have to just deal with what I have right now. This moment.

We are expecting

This will be fast because it is early in the morning and I need to get the day started. I found out a week ago that I am pregnant. This was a shock to me and some of my family, as expected as this littlest one was not expected. Currently I have hope and I am walking in some form of faith that it will all be okay, but with my history of miscarriage, there is a disconnect. I have a hard time believing it all. People who have never experienced miscarriage seem so innocent in their expectations and dreams. I am a little more guarded, even though we have told ever living soul there is to tell! The kids are excited as well and we all have a dream of this little child who is expected to be a girl. :) Just a feeling. I am praying for good health, for my thyroid and good levels of HCG. I was going to let things ride out but now I think that I need to go and have levels checked, that would be a good indicator of where I am and if I am going to be able to carry this one. Anyway in the honor of hope of dreams that sometimes come true I added this little widget, hopefully I won't have to take it down.